"If a man does his best, what else is there?"-General George S. Patton
Today I feel ripped in half. I'm lost. She was always my map. Always the one I called. The one that gave me hope, confidence, the will to try.
I feel pathetic. Absolutely pathetic. I couldn't even play a show without bawling my eyes out. I didn't even make it half an hour.
She is the one I could never walk away from. The one I'll never leave.
This distance is so hard. It's so fucking hard. To not be able to hold her, to not feel her warmth in my arms. To not be able to stare into those blue eyes that explain everything. To not kiss those lips every day. It's killing me. This distance is fucking killing me. And now, this silence, This absence. This loss of the only one I need, the only one I love.
I have put all of myself into this, into us, and now I am left with almost nothing. I find myself longing for her to call, begging her to call. Even if she calls to yell at me, or to tell me she doesn't believe me when I tell her she's my everything. As long as I get to hear her voice, it's worth every tear. She is worth all of this pain, all of the times everyone at school has looked at me like I'm stupid, told me that I'm batshit crazy. Every time my mother has made remarks and yelled at me. She takes me away from all of that, and shows me that this world does contain beauty, it does contain good.
She proved this all to me when I was at the lowest I thought I'd ever be. When I'd lost all hope, all motivation, all faith. She brought me back up to a place that was worth living for. She showed me love, and she showed me acceptance. She put up with all of my shit and told me that everything was going to be okay. And I believed every word. I cherished every syllable. I put all of my life, all of my ambitions into her. She still holds the key to my heart, the key to my soul.
I don't even know what to do with myself right now. All I can do is try. All I can seem to do is sit here and cry and pray that she'll see the truth in everything I've told her. Pray that she realizes how much she means to me, how she makes me feel. I pray that she feels special. I pray that everything I've done or tried to do has meant as much to her as everything she's done for me has meant to me. Her words meant, and still mean, everything. They all still echo in my ears, haunting me and taunting me. Telling me that she loves me, but making my understanding of all of this even less and less. Everything she told me still rings true, as everything I've told her does.
I just need faith. I need her trust. I need her to trust me when I tell her honestly, that she is my everything.
She is the only one that can comfort me completely. The only one that makes me feel happy and whole. I would give up everything just to hear her say "I love you" in my direction. To be with her, I would give up my career, my life here. I would do anything to be able to prove to her that this is real. This is how I feel. This is the truth.
I've been so afraid. So afraid. But I've trusted her. I've trusted her with everything. I don't blame her. I don't think she's the "bad guy". It's just the opposite. She's the only good I see. She's what takes all of my pain away. But she doesn't believe me at all.
She believes me to be stuck in the past, when all that I want is our future. All I want is to continue to love her and continue to give her all of myself. Continue to pour myself out to her, and have her accept it. All I want is to be the one to wake her up in the morning, and the one to kiss her goodnight as she falls to sleep. The one to support her in everything she does, and to protect her from the evil in this world. I want to make sure that she has everything she's ever wanted, dreamed of. I want to be the man that spoils her until the end of time, and then fights for more time just to look her in the eyes and tell her that I love her, and will wait for her at the gates into Heaven. I want my last words to be to her. I want to be the one to hold her while she cries, and the one to wipe away her tears. I want to be the one she comes to when she's excited. I want to be the one she comes to when she needs to be held. I want to cherish her, and take care of her. I want to reassure her, and support her. I want to share with her in all of our dreams. I want to take her on the most spontaneous adventures you could imagine. I want to hold her hand while we take long walks in the middle of the night, just us and the darkness. I want to feel her breath against me as her body heaves and sighs in my arms when she sleeps at night. And when she has nightmares, I want to be the one to wake her up and tell her that everything is okay. That everything will be okay. I want to help her grade all of the papers she brings home from her English class, just to spend the time with her and take some stress away from her. I want to be the one to hang all of her ribbons on the wall when she wins, and to tell her she did wonderfully when she loses. Because the truth is, she's amazing at everything she does, but no one can win all of the time. I want to be the one to build the fence that keeps her horses in the pasture. I want to build her a barn, and a tack room, and a home. I want to help her achieve all that she has worked so hard her whole life to accomplish. I want to take her to every race, to watch her every day when she trains. I want to kiss and dress her every wound, and I want her to do the same for me. I want to cook her dinner, and make her lunch in the morning before work. I want to have breakfast and coffee waiting for her every day when she wakes up, and I want to sit there with her hand in mine as we share every meal. I want to watch her become everything she's dreamed of, a champion barrel racer and an amazing English teacher. I want to become a teacher as well, just to be able to eat lunch with her every day, and to be there when times are hard. I want to take her to the doctor when she's sick, to make her soup and bring it to her in bed. I want to kiss her head and tuck her in, to tell her how beautiful she is even when she doesn't feel it.
I want to be here through everything. Every happy moment, and every sad. Every easy time, and every hard time. Through all of the hope, and all of the devastation. I want to be the one that's here. I am here. I will always be here. No matter what happens, I will be here.
I love her more than you could ever imagine. I love the way she does everything. I love the way she speaks. I love simply everything about her, even the way she has the power to make me feel however she desires.
I want to be the same to her as she is to me. I want to be the man she makes me out to be. I want to be as good for her and to her as she’s claimed for so long that I am. I want to be the man that can make her feel beautiful. Because she is, she is so much more than that. She is the one in my dreams. She is my everything. She may not believe it, but that is the truth, It always will be.
Right now she needs some space. She needs to not have to deal with my worry and she worries she can’t be what I need. That is understandable. But this all has been what I need, and all I need is her. I just pray that this is what she wants for the future. Maybe not the present, this moment in our long lives. But I pray she still holds all of our plans and schemes in her heart, all of our dreams.
No comments:
Post a Comment